Posted in Life, Personal, Philosophy |

I was reminded last night, of a pattern that i’ve followed since as far back as I can remember.

I think in life, for me at least, it’s easy to just do things, be certain ways and follow certain patterns without even noticing.  Sometimes you may make a mental note, but never really pay attention to it again or forget it all together.

• Fear the group

I know i’ve never been good in group situations.  Put me in a room with more than 5 or 6 people I don’t know, and you’re pretty much guarenteed an anti-social oik who will probably choose to listen to music in his headphones, rather than make conversation or get to know people. 

Part of this little routine of mine is my punctuality.  I get there early, get the seat i want, usually in a corner, where at least i will only have someone sitting on one side of me, rather than being jammed between people.  Then, as i sit there waiting for other people to turn up, i listen to music.  I did this on the first few days of College, both years i went there.  I did the same thing on the first two nights of my night class.

What makes it worse is that i don’t actually turn the player off, or remove my headphones when people start to file in.  I just wait for the teacher to turn up.  So i miss out on valuable time to mix.  I won’t deny it though, i know it’s fear, insecurity, maybe a little shyness too.

• Gradual socialising

The next part of the pattern is then to find someone i can talk to one-on-one.  Although, it’s not really a matter of finding them, it’s usually more a matter of them finding me, or us being forced into that position by a teacher with a few tricks up their sleeve to make people more comfortable, by throwing them in at the deep end.

I’ve been pretty lucky in my life, in this respect, because although i’m quite reserved (Certainly at first) and shy (Not so much these days) i tend to draw the attention of very confident, outspoken people.

My best friends tend to be quite bold people.  Could talk the leg off a stool.  Think nothing of walking into a room full of new people and treating it like just another day at the office.

My part is then to form a relationship with this person, get out of my shell, and rely on them to broaden the scope.

I did the same at school, but i won’t write about that because i can’t remember much about it and it may not be as accurate as my account of recent experiences.

• Luck Vs. Skill

Sometimes, I think ahead of myself and see all of this as my natural adaptation to my environment.  But i’m not so sure that’s the case.  I think luck plays a huge part in it.  I really don’t do anything, or say anything, to attract this top-feeder (Is there such a thing?) who starts all the other balls rolling.  It happens pretty much in every large social gathering i take part in, but i can’t for the life of me think of anything that makes it an action on my part.

As mentioned above, i tend to be sitting there with my headphones on, not really wanting any part of the whole communicating world, it’s hardly a beacon for friendship.

In my younger days, at College, things were much easier.  I was a long-haired, dressed-in-black, heavy metaller.  My folders, books and anything else on my person, were covered in Anarchy signs, pentagrams and the names of my favourite bands of the time.  With that, it’s pretty easy for someone to see the name of a few bands they like too, and strike up conversation.  Which is exactly what happened in my second year.  Then, in the natural progression i’ve become accustomed to, that guy made friends with everyone else and dragged me along to the point where i completely left my shell behind and actually earned my place as one of the most outgoing and outspoken people in the class.

That, however, doesn’t really work these days.  I’m 34 years old and although i still love my heavy metal, i’m not really prone to writing down the names of my favourite bands on my belongings anymore.  I don’t even dress like a metaller anymore, instead choosing to fly the flag of casuality, allbeit topped off with my still-long hair.

• Interesting if not a little soul destroying

The “luck” in my present class, or at least part of it, was based on something a little less tasteful.

As i sat in my position, seeing people file into the classroom, listening to music and trying not to think too much about the fact someone was going to sit beside me sooner or later and i’d likely be forced to talk, it happened.  I was sat at one end of the room, my usual corner spot, and maybe half a dozen people had already come in.  They were all sat beside each other and were around 17-18 years old.

A woman walked into the room with a girl i later learned was her daughter, and a man closer to her own age who i later learned to be just a friend (I thought he was her husband/boyfriend).  They immediately headed to the side of the room i was sitting at and sat down next to me.

The soul destoying part is, they chose to sit beside me because they were older (Apart from the daughter who was in her late teens) and sought out the safety of someone else near their own age.

So, no longer the Peter Pan figure that i see myself as, i had been chosen as a seating companion because i was old.  Yes, OLD!

• The real breakthrough

On the second night of the class, and because the room had less tables and chairs than it needed for our quite large class, people were forced to just sit anywhere they could find a space.  I didn’t suffer because of this, as i turned up early and got my chosen seat.  Because i was sat where i was, when a woman turned up late, she was handed a chair and she immediately headed for the side of my desk.  Meaning we had to share half a desk.

Because our class is two and a half hours long, the teacher likes to give us a break after an hour, for the smokers to go out and slowly work on that tumour they’ve been moulding, and anyone else to get a hot or cold drink from the vending machine, or just relax.

I only drink water, and i always have a bottle with me, so i don’t leave the room during the break.  And this woman who had been sharing my half a desk, would just go get a coffee and come straight back to her seat, unlike the rest of the class who used the time to converse outside, or take their chances standing next to the smokers.

Because of this, we had a chance to talk.  In fact, very unlike my usual pattern, i think i even instigated the conversation with her.  I was pushing myself, because i saw the flaw and down inside i knew it wasn’t just a case of being shy, so i wanted to prove it to myself.

We’ve sat together ever since.  Although now we get to share a full desk, thanks to a few added desks.

She is still that same type of person I usually end up with, confident, outgoing, likes to talk and quite friendly and fun-loving with it.

• From mini-groups, bigger and better things grow

After last weeks experience with mini-groups, I’ve really found myself change in the class.  One of the girls in my group from last week is often the next person to enter the room after me, another early bird.  So when she came in last night, i immediately switched off my MP3 player and made conversation.

She actually chose to sit at the desk behind where i sit, rather than her usual place across the room.  Probably because we (The little group we had in general, not her and I) got on really well.  This girl is also quite wordy and friendly and personable.  Although as we got to talking, before anyone else arrived, i found out she has some of the same fears as me, like facing large groups and talking at the front of the class, etc.

I found it very interesting, because she didn’t appear to be suffering for it.  She’s one of the people who constantly made eye-contact with me last week, and continued to do so last night, nor was she in any way shy, etc.

I’ll continue this in my next post, as i wanna separate the two things.  The next post will deal with an update to eye contact.

Similar Posts:

• October 23, 2008 -- Eye Contact (The Update) (0)
• October 16, 2008 -- Eye Contact (4)
• September 12, 2008 -- First nightclass down (2)
• September 6, 2008 -- Better The Devil You Know… (0)
• September 3, 2008 -- Who Am I? - The beginning (0)