Don’t Damn Me!Eye Contact (The Update)
Written by Paulie on October 23rd, 2008When i went to my class last night, I was already planning to push myself a little bit. I wanted to try and experiment with eye contact. I didn’t really know how, or when i’d go about it, or even who with, but i just knew i wanted to challenge it.
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Taking the bull by the horns and holding on tight!
As mentioned in my last post, i had a reasonably prolonged conversation with the girl sat at the desk behind me. This girl, probably in her mid-20s, is quite friendly, uses a lot of eye contact and is generally quite expressive.
I immediately realised that i was doing my old trick. Looking everywhere but the eyes. Although, i did manage to avoid the neck, thanks to Peter’s rather graphical image of the wolf savouring its prey, i figured this image wasn’t the best one to portray with someone i barely know. 
So, without giving myself too much time to think about it, i started to slowly, but surely, focus inward on this girls face, trying not to force it to the point where it looked like i was a toddler filling its nappy, again because i don’t think that would have been the best foot forward.
I didn’t look into her eyes for long, they were more fleeting glances at first, building up to maybe a few seconds per time. But it seemed more natural. I think the problem i have with eye contact, with regards to myself, is that when i know it’s forced, i’m rather suspicious of what that looks like to the other person. So the idea of forcing myself to look into this girl’s eyes for the entire length of the conversation, didn’t appeal to me. Nor does it now.
I still found my eyes wandering, around the room, to the floor, etc, something i guess will have to be ironed out. But, in general, i managed to at least engage better. It felt better too, and i noticed i relaxed as it went on, with me thinking about it less and just doing it.
I’m not sure what it looked like from the other perspective, and she may well have gone home thinking i was a liver-chomping cannibalistic serial killer, but fingers crossed, eh?
The class started and a few minutes later, the woman i usually sit beside came in and took her place next to me.
I should mention at this point that our class had been split into two groups last week, one of which would go in last night, the other wouldn’t. Then we’re all off on the 29th of October, and the group that went in last night is also off on the 5th of November. The reasoning being that the teacher wanted to go around us individually and see what stage we’re at with our coursework, and because our class is so large he couldn’t do that with a full class. So we were split up for the two weeks around mid-term.
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A friend in need is a friend indeed
As the teacher made his way around the room, starting at the other end of the room and ending with myself and the girl next to me, the plan was for everyone to write some stuff, at least ideas and planning, if not an actual attempt at some coursework.
The girl beside me was struggling to come up with ideas for her piece. Being the swot and teacher’s pet that i am, i handed my first draft in last week and as luck would have it, when he handed it back to me before the beginning of the class this week, he said he couldn’t think of anything to improve on it, and i would just need to fix up my paragraphing (Not a strong point of mine, as i’m sure you can tell by reading this blog!).
About fifteen or so minutes into the class, the girl next to me (I really don’t like saying that, I’d rather use her name, make it a bit more human and personable, but it’s best i don’t) vocalised her struggle to come up with ideas.
We had a pretty good conversation from it, with me giving her general ideas, and also telling her what things i found it easier to write about, because of the interest value or the strength of emotions involved. For example, i find it much easier to be expressive while i write about negative things, things I’m afraid of, bad memories and things which conjour up bad feelings in general. And as the marking for this coursework will rely on use of alliterations, metaphors, and the like, it’s best to find a topic you can really express yourself in.
While i spoke to her, again i gently pushed myself into some eye contact, again choosing to do it as naturally as i could, rather than going for the Ed Gein impersonation. Again it wasn’t perfect and again there were times when i’d bottle it, choosing to look around the room or down at the floor, but generally, it went reasonably well. Certainly for my first proper attempt.
We came up with some ideas, and she started to write. She ended up altering one of our ideas and using the resultant sibling. Very well too.
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A nice cosy little chat
We spoke a few times throughout the class, but it was more a case of passing comments, after the initial brainstorming session. As she wrote down her ideas and i wrote down mine for the second piece of coursework (Persuasive writing).
Then the teacher made his way to us. He didn’t need to talk with me as we’d already spoken before the class begun, and my first piece of coursework is pretty much complete anyway, bar a few corrections regarding paragraphing, so he talked to the girl next to me.
As part of that they discussed her ideas, the idea she’d finally chosen and as i’d done all the work i was going to do that night (Thanks to my RSI’d, writing-wrist), it became a three-way conflab.
It was actually really enjoyable, and even as it happened i realised how comfortable i was in this situation, chirping in without being prompted, pulling off the odd stealthy maneuver of eye contact, reliving old memories and comparing them to similar memories of the teacher and the girl beside me. Lots of laughter and merriment to be had by all. I managed to make eye contact with both the teacher and this woman, again it wasn’t very prolonged, but it was regular and because i wasn’t proglonging it it felt more natural.
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Conclusion? Erm…
I’m not totally convinced yet, and i’m not really sure how it’ll end up, but for now, i’m thinking the best way to tackle this problem (I’ve temporarily allowed myself to think of it as a problem, but as i’m still undecided as to the merits of eye contact, i’m using my left hand to grip onto that fence, incase i should ever again need to mount it and sit out the commitment of good, bad or ugly.) is in small baby steps, seeing what i’m capable of, what i’m comfortable with, and most importantly how others react to it. Should their eyes bulge fearsomely in their sockets and mobile phones be used to call the police, i’ll consider my steps a little too far and assure them i’m not really a psychopathic murderer with evil intentions. Yet.
I’m reasonably sure though, that the main problem i have with eye contact, for my part, is i’m not sure how it’s being read. That old insecurity with women, not wanting them to think i’m “interested” or oggling, certainly plays its part. But i guess that’s just a stupid fear, as if other people are comfortable enough to look into my eyes, they probably don’t think i’m trying to get in their undergarments anyway, nor do they think i’m sizing them up for a gimp mask and a place in my basement of horrors.
I realised last night that i’m not really bothered with my own part of eye gazing, it doesn’t make me feel inferior or vulnerable. I don’t feel like i need to bow my head in shame or confess my sins. I just sometimes think it may be making the other person uncomfortable, or be giving out the wrong impression. I guess it’s more a case of i’m not experienced in it, and because of that I’m a little unsure of the rules and methods.
I’m off now for two weeks, so it’ll be a while before i get to hone my skills. I do run into people i don’t know, in my general life, but it tends to be fleeting moments at checkouts, or staring, terrified, straight ahead, while a dentist rips, tears and smashes things in my mouth. So it’s not quite as engaging as a conversation and exchange of ideas.
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Disclaimer
I should point out at this point, that i do genuinely like these people, i’m not just using them in some social experiment to further myself and my social skills. The socialising is real, based on genuine interest in what is being discussed and the people doing the discussing. I’m just trying to push myself in these situations, both to say what i’m thinking, rather than holding back and hoping they talk first, or to make eye contact, where usually i’d be looking elsewhere.
